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this is it. there's no turning back..
the hard part is over though.. leaving her house.. was the saddest time ever and i cried the whole 2 hours back. there was not a tear left inside me to cry anymore.
i still dont know though, im gonna have to tell her how much i love her or else i will regret it all my life. i think its hopeless though becuase i dont think im good enough for her :\
she took us bowling it was super fun <3
i didnt get enough time though to spend with other people :\ (sorry megan)
i just always thought there would be more time.. i dont realize that i am leaving tomorrow.. it wont set in probably till they start yelling at me.
ill miss everyone :[
jen, i dont know where you are but i hope you are doing ok.
megan.. have fun at GT!
ok.. i need to go now
{{{big hug}}} |
|
alot has happened.. went to recording studio, other stuff..
went ice skating with her and friends.. i found that i hate big crouds.. (or lots of friends together at once) its so impersonable.. id rather be with 1 or 2 friends and have a closer time and stuff.. hard to explain i guess..
i went to the country.. aaron and i drove, well he did and it was so fun and we got fireworks and i felt so free, felt like nothing mattered, like the world could colaspe and it would be ok.
i taught her how to play 2 songs on bass.. breath, and worthy is your name.. but it was so beautiful because she played bass and i played guitar and we sang songs to our father and it was so beautiful and wonderful.. again, the world could colapse and i wouldnt have cared because i know i am in good hands..
but lately life has been a scary place. i wrote her letter telling her that im really not scared of the upcomming basic training (jan 4th), the only real thing i was scared of is losing her.
:\
i dont know what to think.. she doesnt let me know how she feels.
so much to say this is not even 1% of it, but im at kinkos and i need to jet.. im gonna drive around a few hours and think about stuff.
she made me a pillow.. beautiful pillow with smiley faces on it and it says "smile mj, jesus <3's you!"
<3
i guess i just wish she would be more vocal about her views about me and just tell me one way or the other. if she isnt the person i marry one day, i have no idea who else could even come close. she has totally re-defined my deffinition of the words friend, love, and beauty.
im way too hung up on her, but i cant help it. i know we shouldnt trust our feelings but even if i take all feelings out of the equation i would still logically come to the conclusion: she completes me. |
|
When the day is done
And there’s no one else around
While I’m lying here in bed
You’re in my heart, You’re in my head
You’re all I need, You’re all I need
There are a million voices
Calling out my name
But You’re the One I want to hear
So make the others disappear
You’re all I need, You’re all I need
You are all I need when I’m surrounded
You are all I need if I’m by myself
You fill me when I’m empty
There is nothing else
You’re all I need
When the morning comes
And Your mercy is renewed
There’s a fire in my bones
I’m not afraid to go alone
You’re all I need, You’re all I need
The sun on my face
I hear You whisper loud
You’re still the God that opens seas
Every flower, even me
You’re all I need, You’re all I need
I’m drawn to everything that You do
Nothing compares with You
--------------------------
http://www.bethanydillon.com/ |
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;x
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Dec. 3rd, 2004 @ 04:30 pm
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HAPPY B-DAY TO HEXCAT AND I :)
i went to get a consealed carry permit today but got lost, then had to work :\ so i didnt get it.. and my car didnt pass emmissions.. it will cost 200$ to fix.
my friend at work asked me what i was doing and i said nothing, so he invited me to outback with him and another person from work and lots of people i dont know.. so it will be interesting :P
psalm 139:14 <3 |
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love
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Nov. 29th, 2004 @ 12:25 am
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i break God's heart so many times each day :( .... yet he still loves me. crazy how we have been suckered into a vain notion of fake hollywood love... :/ 1stJohn 4:7-21 |
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Yeah...im using cell phone to update it takes forever to type. I have to stop ansering when mean person calls. It does not help my walk at all and i feel like trash afterwards. Long ago i changed her phone book entry to "do not answer" and silent ring so i dont pick up but i got new phone so it rang.. I answered... Bad choice. I dont know why she calls, its been like 3 years. I want to cry now, and not because i miss her (i dont miss her) ahh batery dead charger in car
Nov. 28th, 2004 @ 09:34 pm
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| » (No Subject) |
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I got a letter today.. on the envelope was my address written in crayon.. on the inside was:
www.needsahug.com/blessing1.jpg
www.needsahug.com/blessing2.jpg
<3
Nov. 24th, 2004 @ 09:23 pm
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| » (No Subject) |
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ive never been so sad in all my life put together.
i am so stupid.. :|
im an idiot for thinking that the one person that means so much to me.. the person that i would die without.. the person that redefined my definition of love.. i am stupid to think that she could feel the same way about me, a hideous monster who cant do anything right.
i will forever be in mourning :\
Nov. 14th, 2004 @ 07:39 pm
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| » :D |
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ahhh!! 7 min left!! im online at the mall..
but..
the airforce lady said after 4 years i can get a job making 100,000$ easy.. i was like wow..
but money is NOTHING.. NOTHING.. without love.. and happiness... and hugs..
but.. i was gonna say something but i forgot..
there is a good possibility i may get to be stationed in japan..
letters will take a long time to get there then...
i really like getting letters from her and writing her.. she txt msged me a bible verse last night.. it was so encouraging.. i love her <3
For our present troubles are quite small and won't last very long. Yet they produce for us an immeasurably great glory that will last forever! So we don't look at the troubles we can see right now; rather, we look forward to what we have not yet seen. For the troubles we see will soon be over, but the joys to come will last forever.
- 2 Corinthians 4:17-18
wow..
Nov. 4th, 2004 @ 07:08 pm
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| » (No Subject) |
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jan 4th.. my last day..
http://usmilitary.about.com/library/milinfo/afjobs/bl1n5x1.htm
i dont want to think about it ill get sad
Oct. 26th, 2004 @ 01:51 pm
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| » friends |
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friends..
you dont have to impress them..
you see them at their best and worst times.. and you accept them no matter what..
you love them..
you would do anything in the world for them..
even die for them...
you can talk to them about anything..
i think you should marry your best friend.
Oct. 24th, 2004 @ 03:27 am
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| » Dear Mr. President :\ |
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Phil,
I am glad that you have found a nice place to work at. I am glad that
me working at $6.30 an hour after tax helps the company to grow and to
generate more revenue... .YAY! How happy and excited I am...
In your email you speak of being motivated.. jumping up and getting
things done before being asked.. If you ask me, all motivation has
been lost. When I first joined this company I heard good things too..
"oh once a year you go to braves game.. once a month you get
breakfast". 30 Years down the road im not going to look back and say
"gee, those breakfasts made my life so much better". It is true that I
do not have an "education".. yet when I hear of upcomming classes
about aducation in ATMs and I ask if I may attend, I am just laughed
at. When your handbook states this company will pay for your ATM
schooling and then laughs when you actually try to learn.. I do not
think this is right... but I think this works to the advantage of the
company. By keeping me here, un-educated, I am saving the company
money on my pay, thus making the company more proffit..
I am glad to help out such a wonderful company.. I really am.. But
what I do have worries about are people who actually have a wife.. or
let alone a child.. Speaking of children, Chad just had a little
baby.. I have NO IDEA how he can afford to raise a kid. (of course I
have no clue what he makes but I am assuming here)
But as long as I am here with this company I will never be able to
have a wife, let alone a kid.. or better yet.. move out on my own.. oh
wait, I suppose I could get a second or third job like some people
back here have.. Then when I have a kid who I will never see because I
work 24-7.. he will ask why he never sees me and it will be sad :\
"Daddy be stupid sun.. he aint worth crap so he has to work all the
time so I will never get to see you... sorry"
I will never have kids because I could not bear to tell them this :(
I feel really bad for the people here who have to do that.
This is just something to think about.. I am not upset at all.. I am
very grateful that I have a job.. I do not want this to sound like "I
hate ACG" email... Some people in china work all day and make
pennies.. So for having a job, I am very grateful.. All I am saying
though is that people get tired at times.. we are told "work hard.. do
your best".. yes we do, its just hard to do so after you've worked an
all night shift at another place just to pay the bills.... also we get
discuraged back here because we go to mandatory company meetings and
they say "we just made this manual we sell for 400$ a peice.. just got
2000 orders".. we really dont care.. because we will never reap the
benifits.. but we are good employes and will smile and clap at those
meetings, yet its all just a cover.. its all fake.. its fake smiling
:( At leaste for me it is.. inside I am deeply saddened and think to
myself "im worthless".. "im replacable".. "the company really doesnt
care if I drop off the face of the earth tomorrow because they will
just hire someone else who could do this job without having a bit of
sence". I feel sometimes, I am not special.. I am of no value.. im
sure im not the only one who feels this way.
I think to build a great company you must not start from the outside
with customers, but from the inside with your workers.. I know I
started this email talking about money.. but really money isnt the
whole issue. when was the last time a member of "managment" sat down
with an employee and just talked with them.. about anything really..
what their hobbies are.. anything.. make them feel special and
apreciated.. accepted and cared for...
I know I probably have no clue what I'm talking about and may even get
fired for sending this but I just wanted to inform you..
By the way, thanks for saying "thanks" to me the other day for moving
Karen's shelf.. it really means alot to hear an occasional "thank you"
every now and then.
You are going to be a great vice president.
MJ
>> I have been here about a month and a half now and I want to let you know
>> that all the good things I have heard about ACG are true!
>> The ACG reputation is one of good caring people that produce a world class
>> product. It is said that reputation is built from repetition and from
>> actions not words........the outstanding ACG reputation is well deserved.
>> I see it in Val's positive attitude (does he always smile?) while he is
>> working with his team, trying to create manuals (a full time job in
>> itself!), taking a full week out of his busy schedule to teach a class,
>> working with intercept (another full time job!) to get the 7040
>> certified...whew!!.
>> I see why the outstanding reputation has been earned when I see everyone
>> that touches the pre-owned ATM shows caring above and beyond all other
>> pre-owned suppliers. All through our refurb process people in the know
>> say the ACG finished product is the best they have seen. Physical process
>> team..... Sean, Chad, Chris,...thank you. Technical team....... Everly,
>> David, Chanse.............thank you (and a special thanks to David for
>> all the traveling..........you are getting great reviews and those
>> wonderful "bring lives" are appreciated by all).
>> Robbie/Justin...........
.thanks for the special care you take on the
>> shipping. It all adds up to a winning team.
>> I also hear the same positive comments regarding our parts
>> business...........that we are well organized, fairly priced, ship on
>> time and have the best quality product. Thank you Justin and MJ for
>> keeping the inventory so clean and organized.
>> Rich...........you have built a great team. Congrats!
>> The origination all starts with a sale.............and the sales team are
>> all constantly working to serve the customer in the best way possible.
>> The team is trustworthy and in it for the long term............no quick
>> "hit and runs" or "bait and switch" tactics. Our customers know they can
>> trust our sales team and that they will always be there for them. We are
>> in this for long term mutually beneficial relationships.
>> I also have heard numerous times how nice it is to call a company and get
>> a live body instead of an answering machine. Ann..........thanks for your
>> outstanding service and positive attitude. A customer can hear that in
>> your voice and many have commented about your good relationship with our
>> customers. Welcome Cindy...........I can already tell you are a great
>> addition to the ACG team.
>> Karen...........wonderful responsiveness and quality. There are a lot of
>> complexities in our business and you have a terrific handle on the
>> finances to make sure Woody has "headlights" to see what is coming.
>> All that said............we do have many things to work on to keep growing
>> as individuals and as a company. Our sales strategy has been modified.
>> Our retail reps are now more focused on Georgia accounts than previously.
>> Local relationships are powerful and we want to develop them. We have
>> also added new products...........officially we are aggressively
>> marketing the Ubitus 7040 and the Tellermate. We are also more
>> aggressively marketing our breakaway canopy.
>>
>> With this Georgia account focus, our sales representatives will be
>> inviting customers and potential customers into our facility. Our
>> facility and people are wonderful and we should be proud to show it/them
>> off. An important visit has been scheduled with the Community Bankers
>> Association of Georgia for November 10th. It is important that we put our
>> "best foot forward" for them and all future visits. What I ask is that
>> you take a look around the facility and take personal responsibilty (you
>> are empowered and responsible........don't wait for someone else to step
>> up) to clean up or have someone clean up their area or common area. As
>> good as our facility is..........it can be better for visitors. Please do
>> not consider this a one time "program" because we will have visitors many
>> times in the future.
>> Thanks for all your efforts...........it is a pleasure to work here.
>> Phil Winn
Oct. 21st, 2004 @ 06:31 pm
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| » october 19 |
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i put 250 miles on my car... this morning.
yeah..
i could not sleep.. so at about 4AM i take a shower and around 5 i decide to leave for the mountains. the excitement was growing each mile i grew closer to my destination. as i am driving, it starts to sprinkle at times.. it is VERY dark out because its country roads and no street lights. as i am scanning the radio stations.. 6AM a voice comes on saying GOOD MORNING>.. WAKE UP :P yeah.. but i drive and drive, about 6:30 i get to the burger king located just before my destination.. i get 2 chicken biscuts and 2 hashbrowns and head over there.. around the building i come looking to see any signs of being awake.. i decide to go inside and sit outside the door. not 2 seconds after i sit down roomate walks out, so i walked in.
there she is, sitting on the futon with her PJs on and hair rough and all over the place about to write in her journal. her eyes very sensitive to light.. still squinting she is like .. what?? HI!! I BROUGHT YOU BREAKFAST!! HAPPY TUESDAY :) yay.. oh wow thank you.. yeah
seeing her at the break of dawn, before any makup could be applied, before getting a chance to brush hair, or teeth, or any preperation.. her just being her.. sitting there in her element.. talking with me.. had to have been one of the most beautiful experiences of my life. it was just so pure.. as if 1 touch of a feather could have ruined the whole mood and moment at any second, but it never happened. the only possible word i can think of to describe it is wow.
i was soooooo happy to see her.. all i could do for a while was smile.. (and shiver as well.. she let me borrow one of her blankets.. it was so soft).
we prayed and ate breakfast and talked.. about lots of stuff, ranging from beautiful bible verses, to.. everything.. but it was so nice.
i wish i was a poet so i could capture this in words, but it will never be able to be done.. the english language strongly lacks the vocabulary to describe 1/10th of just how joyous it was. although i could only spend an hour there with her, i wished it would never end. i wish i could actually have saved that hour and replayed it over and over.. but this is foolish, for if we hold on to the past, we will never have the future to look forward to.
i am so blessed to have her friendship.
but anyway...
on the way back, it was treacherous mountain roads with rain gushing down and fog so thick you couldnt even see 20 feet in front of you. yet somehow i was calm.. wether is was from not sleeping for so long? heh.. but as i drove and watched the road in front of me twist and turn and without seeing the entire road, i learned something...
if i saw the entire road i would think "oh, i can drive this on my own" but because i could hardly see a few feet in front of me, it required faith. this seems so simple, yet it was so awesome to me. its like life..
Oct. 19th, 2004 @ 07:34 pm
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| » Fear less, hope more; Whine less, breathe more; Talk less, say more; Hate less, love more... |
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OK!!!!!! EMOTION IS BAD
:|||
:((((((
i found out on msn you can look at history of conversations.....
i read..
it was happy but sad because i miss talking to her on msn :\
a few quotes:
"have a super duper day!"
"that's so nice"
"Hey MJ!!!!!!"
"mikey?"
"bye darlin"
"sweet dreams"
:(
--------------------------
i feel as though i am not worthy to talk.. i have 400 numbers in my address book and out of all those i can call like 3 people.. and i dont wantt o interupt them or whatever..
and when i do talk..... its like i am so boring... i have boring life...... ahhhhhhhhh
i just want to be close...
------------
at night when i cant sleep, and i think too much about stuff.. i hold my pillow and dream of holding her and i fall asleep.. crying
-----
i just miss seeing her all the time and cheering each other up :\
Oct. 19th, 2004 @ 02:10 am
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| » if i were a drug dealer, i would have money to get food.. but then cry :\ |
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the coolest cards ever. yay.. happy.. yay. but not happy :\ so much bad things surrounding.. scary.. sad.. will you leave? i dont know if i can make it if you do. i dont know what to do.. are you there.. hello? should i call.. i dont want to annoy you but i cant live without you gsogijsdgfgklfjg
sometimes i want to blow up and destroy things and myself as well.
today i was listening to the cake song that that old lady does i will survive.. i decided that i am an irrational thinker. those sentences dont go together..
wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
so
yo
i went to detroit yo yo homie g. yeah.. i drove my cousins jetta stick shift pimp mofo phat auto. it was nice. okm i have no purpose.. no use.. flsdfksdkfjfkl
up and down
im gonna go now.. i hope i have enough gas to get back home :\
Oct. 14th, 2004 @ 07:46 pm
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| » chocholate covered pretzels and black playdoh |
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Good morning
The night is over and gone
I thought once
This dark would last for so long
Feel the sunlight
On my face
You have brought me
Through this place
Jesus, Jesus You found me
Through the long night you led me
You set me free
Do you see
Just what you've done in my life?
You gave me
More then I hoped for; now I
feel your sunlight
On my face
You have brought me
Through this place
Oct. 4th, 2004 @ 08:54 pm
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| » (No Subject) |
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mike says:
are there any jobs up there
nobody loves me. says:
the cottage needs a donut frier
nobody loves me. says:
i think they still do
nobody loves me. says:
why
mike says:
what is donut frier
mike says:
im gonna leave here
nobody loves me. says:
are you movieng up here
nobody loves me. says:
some one who makes donuts
mike says:
i cant handle this anymore
nobody loves me. says:
whats wrong?
mike says:
i hate it here
mike says:
my life
mike says:
job
nobody loves me. says:
do you think you would be happier here?
mike says:
yes
nobody loves me. says:
aren't you going to the air force
mike says:
yes
mike says:
but until then
mike says:
i have to pay bills
nobody loves me. says:
yeah
mike says:
maybe i could live with seth
nobody loves me. says:
if you came here you would have more bills
mike says:
why
nobody loves me. says:
i don't think that would work
nobody loves me. says:
rent
nobody loves me. says:
he lives with an RA
mike says:
ill live in my car
nobody loves me. says:
mj that is not realistic
mike says:
i can come inside to shower
nobody loves me. says:
it will get really cold
nobody loves me. says:
and when we leave for breaks you will be lonely
mike says:
im already lonely
nobody loves me. says:
i know
nobody loves me. says:
you could get an apartmet here
nobody loves me. says:
that would be the only way you could do it
mike says:
life sucks
nobody loves me. says:
some times
nobody loves me. says:
but ti gets better
mike says:
thats what they say
nobody loves me. says:
some times it just takes a really long time
nobody loves me. says:
you should try to save money
mike says:
i cant save
mike says:
i am in debt
mike says:
trying to pay off 3000$
nobody loves me. says:
oh
mike says:
if i was dead i would have no more debt
nobody loves me. says:
but then you wouldn't be around to see it get better
mike says:
it doesnt get better
mike says:
ive heard that all my life
nobody loves me. says:
do you really want to die?
mike says:
sometimes
nobody loves me. says:
so some times you don't
mike says:
because sometimes im happy
mike says:
but its been a long time
nobody loves me. says:
i told some one i was going to kill my self once
nobody loves me. says:
he said i wouldn't do it
nobody loves me. says:
he was right
nobody loves me. sends:
Open (Alt+P)
mike says:
im at work
nobody loves me. says:
oh
mike says:
i want to live
mike says:
and be happy
nobody loves me. says:
good
nobody loves me. says:
i want you to too
mike says:
do you think nobody loves you?
nobody loves me. says:
no
nobody loves me. says:
i was sad a while ago and i haven't changed it
nobody loves me. says:
it's time for dinner
nobody loves me. says:
i'll talk to later
nobody loves me. says:
call me if you feel sad
mike says:
ok
You have successfully received C:\My Documents\My Received Files\02 - john lennon - plastic ono band - hold on.mp3 from nobody loves me..
Sep. 28th, 2004 @ 05:43 pm
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| » monday |
|---|
yeah,.
whisky lullaby is a really sad song..
why is life so up and down.. at times it is so happy that you feel nothing can harm you and even if the world would blow up tomorrow it would still be ok... yet other times you feel you would be much better off dead.. i dont get it..
i think it has to do with friends. we need friends, and they are happy when we are around them.. but then monday comes and you go to jobs you hate to make money that you need only because you have the job.. for gas, food, etc.. it sucks. there is no point. we should all live in the country and grow our own food and make our own houses.. it would be much happier.. we could all be neighbors... but no. it doesnt work out that way.. people fade away.. people change.. people die.. people get too consumed with crap. i am ready to just quit and go work for some little town place and be happy.
Sep. 27th, 2004 @ 07:13 pm
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| » yo yo |
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i went hunting with chris and sam and it was really cool. we saw a movie too and it was SOOOO GOOD resident evil.. i thought it was going to be silly with aliens but it was really good..
i shot a bluejay and a yellow bird.. it was so sad. i didnt know they were what they were because they were so far away but yeah.. all i can think about is "now there is one less beautiful chirping bird on this earth"
but.. i got a new 20 gauge shotgun
http://www.remington.com/firearms/shotguns/870expres.htm
i spend too much.. i am just waiting to go off to airforce so i can pay off all my massive debts.. then when i am on the positive in money i will be able to do so much i think.. i want to help people.. like buy stuff for them that they need or would like.. nice stuff.. anonymous stuff. this way they cannot say "oh mike gave this too me" but instead "wow someone cares for me" i dont want to take credit..
i would rather see people be happy than to say "look what i did for you".. i want god to get the credit.. if that makes any sence.
Sep. 26th, 2004 @ 09:15 pm
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| » (No Subject) |
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in the midsts of the hurricain, and spenind 3 hours driving home in rain, and getting into accident and finding out i am so far negative in the bank... dispite all this, there was joy. there was happyiness.
simple things can brighten your day so much if you just stop to apreciate them.
i got phone call in the early AM and it was so joyous that i was happy all day long thinking about it.. but i should be happy all the time even if i didnt get phone call. but im glad i got phone call. if that makes any sence...
--------------------
im reading the most awesomest book in the whole world.. i found an old 1962 copy of it several years ago and it has been on my shelf for a while.. i finally picked it up and started to read it.. "the four loves" by c.s. lewis... i was weary to read it because of the author and his other books (not that ive read them either,, but i tend to make judgements easy).. but..
this is one of the most ingeligently written books ever.. some parts are a bit thick, but its awesome! everyone should read it.. everyone will be able to identify with it and finally be able to express and understand their past and current relationships with friends and people... this is making not much sence,, but this is truly an indescribable book.. i dont recomend many books to read, but this is a must.
:D
Sep. 17th, 2004 @ 01:41 pm
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